


Turning Point Interlude I: The Stag Soul

by thegodmachine



Series: Turning Point Series [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Animagus, F/M, Fluff, Gender Issues, Trans Male Character, Transgender
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-13
Updated: 2014-01-13
Packaged: 2018-01-08 16:06:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1134723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegodmachine/pseuds/thegodmachine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James has a stag soul. Only now does Lily realize what that means.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Turning Point Interlude I: The Stag Soul

**Author's Note:**

> Third installment of this series and more to come.
> 
> Edit (6/1/2016): Added illustrations. I'd personally like to do this for more of my fics cuz I like drawing. Hopefully you like them, too.

There had been a time once when James never would have thought he would ever get a chance experience a moment like this. Lily and he were lying in his bed together. She was engrossed in a book and he knew he should be doing something equally scholarly as that was what they had agreed to do, but he was too distracted by the simplicity of this moment. His girlfriend, a woman he cared very deeply for was able to sit comfortably in his bed and he didn't have to worry about getting a howler from his mother or, in general, hide his relationship from everyone.  
  
Maybe things shouldn't be coming together this nicely for him. Maybe Lily should have spurned him. Maybe people should've been cruel. Maybe his parents should never have accepted him and maybe he'd be stuck in a loveless marriage to a man like he had nightmares over as a kid.  
  
He felt Lily's soft hand brush against his arm. A quick glance at her showed that she was still focused on her book. There were a lot of 'maybes' floating in his mind; he was just happy Lily wasn't one.  
  
He rolled around in the bed beside Lily and wrapped his arm around her. He kissed her neck and she leaned back and smiled at him.  
  
"What are you reading?" He asked not really caring. He would prefer if the book remained closed and her attention focused solely on him.  
  
"Books on animagus—"  
  
James smirked. "You know, Lily, if you have questions you could always just ask me."  
  
Lily blushed. "Who said this is about you? Maybe I want to learn?"  
  
"Really?"  
  
Lily looked a bit embarrassed before she admitted, "No, alright you got me."  
  
James shrugged. He figured it might have been fun to teach Lily how to become an animagus. She would have made a cute critter.  
  
"So what are you looking up?" He leaned his cheek against her shoulder?  
  
"James,” She took a deep breath then twisted in his arm to look at him. “Did you notice when you saved me from those spiders, that you were physically a girl?"  
  
James lowered his head not really wanting to remember that night. It had been his worst nightmare come true when Snape pointed his wand and James realized everyone knew his secret. There was also that bit where Lily was almost eaten by a spider. That had been pretty horrible too.  
  
"What about it?" He said confused. He reached for her hand that had been bitten and rubbed it gently with his thumb.  
  
"Well," Lily flipped through a page in the book with her free hand. "When you transformed, Your animagus was male."  
  
James stared at Lily and nodded suddenly seeing her point. "I hadn't even noticed that? It was just natural to me."  
  
"Do you know how long you've been turning to a stag instead of a er, well I assume a doe?"  
  
"I—that has to be the only time without my spell in place. I never really noticed to be quite honest."  
  
"I wonder what this means?" Lily mumbled staring intently at the book. "It has to mean something."  
  
James wrapped his arm around Lily's waist and rolled her over as he leaned back.  
  
Lily found herself on top of James, chest to chest, gazing into his eyes. "I don't know." He said, "But I do know it’s bad news when my girlfriend—who's in my bed—is paying more attention to books than to me."  
  
Lily giggled and patted his head, "I am paying attention, Darling, now stay still." She leaned over and grabbed her book and placed it over his face.  
  
"Mrgggh," James wiggled under her and the book slid off his face, dislodging his glasses. "Okay, I give. Enjoy reading." He let Lily slide off of him and lay beside her. He corrected his glasses then gave her a pouty expression which she answered by kissing his forehead.  
  
"Aren't you curious about your unprecedented sex change as a stag? It could happen in reverse and you become a doe. I bet then you'll want to know why," she asked.  
  
"I'm not 'not' curious," he acknowledge distantly as he let his hand graze her neck, "but I don't think it’s something I have to worry about. It hasn't happened again."  
  
"Yet," Lily stated.  
  
James nuzzled Lily's shoulder and pulled her into a kiss. "But this is so much more fun."  
  
"Fine," she giggled, "Your argument is convincing." They kissed again. "I'll research this later."  
  
  
  
  
In favor of making out with her boyfriend at the moment, Lily had let the subject of James' strange stag situation slide, but that didn't end her curiosity. Her research journey began in the school library. Madame Pince had given her a few strange and curious looks before pulling out a few restricted books on animagus transformations.  
  
"You should take note that all animagus must register, Miss Evans," she said.  
  
Lily nodded and blushed. "Oh I'm not looking to learn how to transform. I'm just curious about the process."  
  
Madame Pince nodded but didn't seem to believe her.  
  
Lily tried to smile innocently. When Madame Pince turned away, she huddled over her books eagerly and began to read.  
  
While Lily had always been fascinated by animagi, she had never been particularly talented at transfiguration. She wondered what creature she would be but ultimately as age set in, she saw the necessity of such self transformation begin to wane. She learned new spells that she could use to disguise herself. Her fear of a disastrous failure might also have had an effect on her lack of interest. She'd probably botch her transformation up and get stuck as half creature.  
  
The books laid out before her, though, truly put into perspective what it took for a wizard to transform his or herself. Lily thought of James practicing late at night with Sirius and Peter trying to transform themselves into another form all together.  Though, Lily realized, it had been Jasmine who learned with Sirius and Peter and she had been a doe.  
  
Lily sighed. The reading drifted into the preparation process which Lily found surprisingly in depth. There were many tasks a wizard had to accomplish first to even consider having a successful transformation and that task was finding your spirit creature. The book didn't go further into that, instead assuming that the reader already understood what a spirit creature was and how to find it.  
  
Lily rested her chin in her palm and pondered. Clearly the spirit creature was what an animagus would eventually turn into right? Sirius was loyal like "man's best friend" and James was rather...well Lily didn't know what James and a stag held in common and that gave her a literary lead.  
  
Lily closed her book and packed it away into her bag. If a person's animagus was a representation of a person's soul, then she needed a book on souls, spirits and animals.  
  
Lily began to look through the aisles. She tried to avoid Madame Pince who was glaring at her. Lily wondered if the librarian had a hawk for a spirit. Her piercing predatory expression suggested so.  
  
Lily found a section on world symbolism in the magical community which happened to stock books on spirit animals. Lily hoped this was what she was looking for and grabbed a couple of books to read back at her table. She grabbed the first book and flipped through to the appendix.  
  
'Deer...deer...deer...' Lily frowned in consternation. She looked down the column of animal names. "Deer," she whispered. "On page 200."  
  
Lily flipped back to the page and was greeted with animated beautiful photo of two deer grazing in a wood clearing. Lily held back a gasp. She had to remember she had seen a deer in person before, a stag no less. She thought back to when 'Jasmine' had transformed into Prongs and had literally swept her off her feet. Of course she had been frightened out of her mind and maybe the spider poison was already sinking in.  
  
She had also seen a doe before, as well, in her fifth year...  
  
...It had been in the middle of the day, which was had struck her as strange. Lily didn't think deer moved around in the day. In fact, Lily wondered, when did the Marauders become animagi. Jasmine most certainly would've been a doe upon their earlier transformations, or James would've told her otherwise to her inquisition. The animagus gender had to match the human's. When James had saved her in the woods, his form then had been an anomaly.  
  
And that doe Lily had seen had come towards her without fear or hesitation. Could it have been James then? The doe certainly wasn't skittish but Lily wondered if it was simply because it had no reason to be fearful of people. Hogwarts and forbidden forest weren't known for violence against deer.  
  
Lily, however, was quite taken with the idea that the doe from her fifth year was James. James, despite being her boyfriend now, had never been her friend in their earlier years, in fact, Lily thought he was downright mean but she liked the idea that he had been a part of a somewhat tender moment in her life. It was sort of like—Lily blushed—fate.  
  
Lily shook her head and let the lovey-dovey tender-footed ideas leave her mind as she tried to focus back on her book.

 

 

 

Deer symbolism suggested that people who had deer spirits were graceful—Lily snorted and then paused. James was quite graceful when she thought about it, especially on a broom. Benevolence—eh? Lily thought back to James and his relationship with Sev and even to her before this year. Benevolence wasn't necessarily James' strong suit, but then again...sensitivity, innocence, strong inner child, vigilance: Lily sighed feeling like she was getting nowhere.

James had a lot of those qualities but nothing she had read seemed to explain what happened that night. She wanted to figure this mystery out for him, but she was thinking it would be more complicated then she had initially thought. She stacked her books away. She scurried under the sharp gaze of the librarian and hurried back to the Gryffindor dorm.  
  
  
  
  
Lily found James was sitting comfortably in one of the red chairs near the common room fire with a book in his lap. She stayed by the portrait entrance and watched as he had turned several pages without reading a word. His eyes were unfocused and Lily hoped he wasn't losing himself too deeply in his head. She did worry that he was alone. James was a very social person, and if he wasn't surrounded by Marauders, he was surrounded by quidditch mates, and if not them, then whoever happened to be around.  
  
In fact, settled about the common room were a few people that James use to talk to sometimes. Mary MacDonald caught her attention. She was sanding her broom. Mary was a year below them but had always been nice to James when everyone identified him as Jasmine. Despite the fact James preferred to hang out with the boys of Hogwarts, she was the only girl he had gotten along with. She was muggleborn and not as familiar with the wizarding world's great gender divide, like the pure bloods seemed to be. Mary was a real tomboy.  
  
Lily remembered plenty of times sitting in the common room trying to study, because Alice had caused their tower to stink of hair potions and the library was serving as a second bedroom for the obsessive Ravenclaws, and Jasmine would be sitting with Mary talking loudly of quidditch. It was fairly obvious that Mary was really into the sport though she didn't play on a team. Lily had thought she would try out for her final year when half the Gryffindor team graduated and she was always asking Jasmine for tips on handling a broom. They had gotten along very well back then.  
  
She watched the girl sand her broom handle and James sit by himself trying to concentrate on his book; Lily realized that Mary hadn't spoken to him since he had officially transitioned. Alice might still be talking to him, Lily and the Marauders as well and a good chunk of the school had stood up and admired James for his transition, but Lily had never noticed that James interacted less with people. He kept to a smaller crowd now, but Mary had been his friend too in a way.  
  
Lily walked over to him and sat down. He glanced at her and smiled, moving his book off his lap  
  
"Thank Merlin you're here," he said. "I was so bored."  
  
"Were you?" Lily asked as she arranged the cushions on the sofa and plopped a particularly squishy one in her lap. "What were you reading?" She didn't wait for James to answer as she leaned over and grabbed to book. It was seventh year defense against the dark arts and flipping to the page, it was on dementors. The spells in this book were leveled above them, though Lily was confident that James was most likely capable of casting any number of spells mentioned throughout the chapter.  
  
Lily gave him an impressed look. "Sometimes I think you don't even need to study."  
  
He shrugged. "These aren't so bad. I can teach you if you want."  
  
Lily blushed and nodded.  
  
"You can dazzle everyone next year," he said. She lightly punched him on his shoulder for his teasing, but she did feel a little childish suddenly.  
  
"Are you tired?" He asked.  
  
"A little," she answered. She was truthfully more frustrated. She had wanted to resolve their little mystery and help him for once. It seemed, James was always coming to the rescue.  
  
"You should come up to the dorms with me," James suggested.  
  
Lily felt her face grow redder.  
  
"Come on, nobody is up there and maybe I can teach you a spell or two." James wrapped his arms around her and though her attention focused on him, she did notice some people were watching them. She wished they would mind their own business. Plenty of other couples had cuddled in the common room, but no one gawked at them.  
  
The other student's expressions weren't immediately cruel, but Lily could see a glimmer of disdain spark in Mary's eyes. She glared at them before turning back to her broom. Lily found her arms wrap around James in response. She felt protective now and turned back to James. He seemed to only have eyes for her which Lily was grateful for. Mary had been a friend of his once, supposedly, but apparently not anymore.  
  
"Yes, let's go up," she agreed and let James lead her by the hand up to the boys’ dorm.  
  
Upon entering James all but pushed Lily into his bed. She bounced a bit but was met immediately with his lips.  
  
"Mmph!" She moaned and James broke the kiss.  
  
"Sorry, but I was craving that."  
  
Lily blushed and looked away. She felt James brush loose strands of hair out of her face. She let him and made herself comfortable in his bed.  
  
"So where have you been all day?" He asked.  
  
"I've been at the library," she said.  
  
He looked confused then clarity washed over him. "Oh yeah. Researching animagi and all that."  
  
Lily nodded.  
  
"And how's that working out?"  
  
Lily turned her head to side and frowned. She didn't find anything that would help James out. She shrugged.  
  
"Not well, sorry," she said.  
  
He leaned forward and framed her head with his forearms. Lily idly reached out and touched his upper arm before meeting his eyes. James looked amused and smug.  
  
"You know something, don't you?" She asked. Of course he did.  
  
He shrugged but Lily could tell that he knew exactly what happened that night and why his animagus had a different gender than him at that moment a few weeks ago.  
  
"I can't believe you let me spend the day researching when you knew all along." She was annoyed now. Of course James would figure it out. He was very smart.  
  
"I didn't know 'all' along," he stressed. " I just figured it out a while ago."  
  
"Well, what is it?"  
  
He rolled over and pulled out his wand. He cast a corporal patranus and Lily felt mild annoyance at his ability but it gave a way to awe as she saw a silver stag form in the dorm. It was huge in its life-like size. And Lily briefly remembered riding James' stag form. She looked at him and saw him biting his lip.  
  
"A patronus takes the form of what's in your soul," James said. He glanced at her. "My patronus was never a doe."  
  
"But what does that have to do with your animagus?" She was still a bit confused.  
  
"My form represents my soul," he said. "I can't explain why my body changed genders for my animagus without the aid of that spell—maybe, I influenced it silently, maybe it was the Hogwarts magic acting out? Hell, maybe it was the moon? I don't know, but I don't think I'll have to worry about it happening again because now my exterior matches my soul."  
  
It still wasn't answer enough for Lily. She would have liked facts to back up his theories, but she did agree, it probably wouldn't happen ever again. That doe was gone.  
  
"Why don't you try it?" He said.  
  
"What do I do?" She had never researched this spell before.  
  
"Hold your wand like this and think of your happiest memory," he explained. Lily copied his movements. "And say expecto patronum."  
  
She nodded. She thought of the brown little owl that had flown into her window that morning all those years ago carrying a letter addressed to her bedroom and how excited she was to know that she'd accompany her friend to his magical school.  
  
A wisp of silver flew from her wand. Lily frowned, so sure that was her strongest memory.  
  
"Hm," James thought. "Try a different memory. Sometimes it's a pretty quiet moment. You might not appreciate it."  
  
"What do you think of?" She asked, not sure he would share.  
  
He leaned over and kissed her. "Every time, the last moment I spend with you."  
  
Lily couldn't help it. She laughed. "That was so corny."  
  
"But it works," he said. Lily sobered and looked to where his stag stood, still in corporal form.  
  
He thought of her.  
  
She closed her eyes and thought of her parents. She thought of the summer evenings when she would cook with her mother or watch football on the Telly with her father. She thought of the lazy afternoons when her father took her fishing and she remembered Petunia when she was in a good mood and would invite Lily to practice make up with her. Finally she thought of James, just as he was moments ago, leaning over her, cradling her in his arms—  
  
"Expecto patronum," she whispered.  
  
She heard James gasp and saw a beautiful familiar doe standing before them.


End file.
